contrary to what many may think, i don't feel like i'm just trying to take the easy way out. i feel like i've faced my issues for so long that there's nothing more that i can do to help myself. i simply do not belong in this world any longer. i'm getting so many messages and feelings that my time here is soon coming to a close, and i'm okay with it. i've made peace with my ending. i've made peace with this earth and with my soul. i know that whatever comes next will treat me a lot better. i don't regret coming here, but i do regret the way some things in this life played out for me. a lot of things could have been different, had one thing not led to another. but i forgive it all. i forgive everyone. i hope that you all can find peace within yourselves too.
a while ago, i decided on an ultimatum for my life. 2022 is the fork-in-the-road year for me. i'm completely sick and tired of feeling like this and i know i need a change. i've decided that if i stay, i need to make some HUGE life improvements. i need to quit my job, admit myself into some intense psychological therapy, and after that, pursue my more prevalent passions in art and music. i've realized how miserable i am with the routine of my life, doing the same routine every single day, being invisible and feeling unwanted all the time, and i need to do something for me. however, the other option is just to end everything. i've thought about this from every single angle possible, and i have come to the conclusion that there are some cases that are unfixable. i've read so much material about the philosophy of suicide and i believe my case is completely justified given how much pain i face every day and my lack of desire to "fix" things. this high-functioning depression is causing all of my days to blend together to create one endless suffocating loop and i just can't fucking do it anymore. i don't enjoy anything here or have any people here that mean enough to me to make me stay. with every passing day, i feel more and more toxic to myself and those around me. i know i'm not meant to be here anymore like i once was, if at all. i feel it in my gut. i feel it deep in my soul. i know i'm not wrong. i'm just so fucking sick and tired of this shit every single god damn fucking day. i'm beyond fed up with these feelings.
spirits are real and there is life after death.
my whole world is closing in faster than i can do anything about. my will to live is continuing to wither every day. no one means anything to me anymore. i've banished everyone back outside the gates of my heart, where no one will ever enter again. i've cried at work every single day this week. i can't focus on my lab work anymore, i literally sit at my bench crying. i'm simultaneously burning up and burning out. i'm actually going fucking insane. i just want to free myself and be happy, but there is no happiness for me in this life. the weight and structure of the world is bearing down on me too hard than i can handle. everyday is exactly the same and i quite literally can't stand it anymore. just because my physical health is in good condition doesn't justify the excruciating mental pain i feel every single day. if i could switch lives with some poor unfortunate soul with a good mindset but riddled with physical health problems and give them my nice ass life, i would in a heartbeat. perhaps then would one of us experience something good from this life. i feel so guilty for feeling like this when i have basically everything i want. i feel so guilty for just being here, and acting like this. looking back, i always think i could have done things better and i beat myself up about every little thing. i wish i wasn't screaming into the void here. i wish someone could hear me.
i feel totally lost. i can't describe the feeling. best way i can put it is--everyone is handling their pain and their demons so much better than me. i'm aware that no one has their shit together, so i won't say everyone is happy except me cause that's a blatant lie, but i know that everyone else can for some reason handle this life a lot better than i can. the weight of every day is pushing down on me like a thumb squashing a bug. the pain--the anger--the hatred i have for this life and whatever put me here. i can't deal with it. i can't take it. i don't belong here. i'm actually fucking useless and i'm holding on by just barely a thread. i'm so embarrassed of my existence. i'm such a sorry excuse for a pathetic human being.
i can't believe i turn 24 in 5 days. mentally i still feel like i'm 17. everyone always tells me i seem like i have my shit together but let me inform you that i in fact do not. from the outside my life looks pretty swell, and maybe it is, but on the inside my own mind is my worst enemy. i never feel like i've "woken up". i think back to when i was in college and high school and i can't believe i got through it. sometimes i don't even understand how i got here, living completely independently and self sufficient like the productive member of society my dad always told me he had hoped i would become. i'm proud of myself for that, i can't lie. whether i want to admit it or not, i've built this life for myself all by myself, and i think i did a really good job. if i didn't have crippling depression, anxiety, OCD and autism i just know i would be living the fucking life. i am very comfortable, by society's standards. but mentally i am in agony. that's why i'm so torn between myself. it's hard to decipher which of the two voices in my head to listen to. one is constantly telling me that i don't belong here and everyone hates me and i need to get out immediately. the other one tells me that i have so much here, a good job and a family that's still together, and A and my dog. this is my dilemma. and both voices are right at different times, so it's dependent on me who i want to listen to. i know there will be people thinking i'm stupid for letting all this go, but you don't understand my situation, and i don't even know how to begin to describe it to you. some days, the thoughts don't pester me nearly as much as other days. but they're always there. always. and i just sit here and think and feel and think and feel every single one to the fullest until it drives me insane, hence my situation and my documented downfall. i've learned that depression never goes away, you just learn to live with it. and i can't. i can't deal with this anymore. the pain is too great and it never leaves me alone. it truly feels like i am trapped in a reality in which i don't belong. nothing i ever do gives me any sort of relief or ease. everything is just uncomfortable all the time. i recognize that i'm playing this game of life thing okay from the outside, but god, on the inside, it's just explosions of grief and pain every single day. i'm so uncomfortable. i don't belong. and i never will.
i'm so fucking done with succumbing to the ways of the world. i'm done doing what everyone expects me to do. my body is physically hurting more and more. i'm running out of steam, literally. there's no way i can keep dealing with this shit for 40+ more years. that'd be more of a nightmare than any actual nightmare i've ever had. everything feels so fake and superficial, it's disgusting. i can't fucking deal with people. any people, at all. my anxiety and depression have manifested themselves physically and i feel sharp pains in my entire torso, chest and back, whenever i'm around people. i'm so fucking drained. i constantly feel like a phone battery at 1% about to die. every morning i wake up and jealousy fills my mind knowing that i'm not at eternal rest yet, like all the people who are already dead. someday i will be. but everyday is one step closer to the end, and that's the only thing giving me any sort of hope.
i've been writing down my everyday thoughts in an app on my phone since 2013 and today i was reading some very old entries from when i was a junior in high school (2015) and was going through my second bout of embarrasingly and nauseatingly crippling anxiety. i'm not exaggerating when i say that either, it was so bad that i could not be around other people for more than 5 minutes or i'd feel like someone was choking me and i was going to throw up, it would even get to the point where i couldn't breathe. it was the worst pain i'd ever physically felt by far and the only thing i could do to make it stop was get away from everyone. i couldn't sit in class at all. i literally wandered the halls the entire day or just stayed in the guidance counselor's office. sometimes i'd sit outside the classroom or stay in the bathroom and cry because my teachers and peers didn't understand what was going on, they just thought i didn't want to be in class and i was using "anxiety" as an excuse. but it was so, so much more than that. and i still don't know what sparked it. i had it twice. once in 7th grade and another time in 11th grade. both times started in april and went away by the beginning of the next school year. it was fucking hell, no 7th grader should ever have to deal with that shit. and i can't believe no one cared whether i was okay or not. i was never in class! literally teachers and guidance counselors didn't give a fuck! they just thought "ugh, this girl again...when will she go back to class?" god, just going to school was the most dreadful and painful thing i could ever imagine. the people--the judgement--the pain--how the fuck did i make it through school? i went through so much shit. i have no idea how i got through it. i wouldn't have the patience to now. maybe because my rope was so much longer and i hadn't reached the end of it yet. but man, i'm beyond it now. high school was hell. pure hell. college was a little better. work life is better than college but also worse because of the constant monotony for the rest of your earthly life. i really hope the afterlife is a lot better than this. according to mediums, people in the afterlife can do whatever they want. they can work, eat, help other newly dead people, shift realities and cross boundaries to communicate with those still alive. i think the first thing i want to do when i get there is take a nice long 200 year nap. then once my spirit is full of all the energy that this terrible reality drained from me, i'll definitely want to be a frame for which mediums and chosen ones in this earthly realm can communicate with. i want to know everything about the afterlife and tell them all about it. it's going to be so amazing. i cannot wait for the endless freedom and an eternity of bliss. it's such a happy thing.
it's finally year zero. and my question is--is it justifiable to feel like your mission here on earth is already complete and your life is worth ending? i know for me, i get multiple spiritual signs daily that i interpret as something much more than just a coincidence. for example, numbers. almost everywhere i look, i see double or triple angel numbers. crystals and other meditation techniques suggest to me that there is another side somewhere that i am missing from. even just the everyday energies i face tell me that i am in the wrong place. getting more in touch with my spiritual side and researching my origins also helps me to discover who i really am, what i'm here for, and when i'm supposed to leave. things as simple as my birthdate and time, sun moon and rising signs, life path number, my dreams, things i'm attracted to and observing my behavior towards things over the years help me learn more about myself and further validate my suspicions about my purpose here in this life. i am someone who believes that everything happens for a reason, and that nothing is to be brushed away. i am even beginning to think i may be a medium of some sort. one thing is for sure, i am definitely not anything like most people. my intuitiveness has only gotten stronger over the years, and i think this is the year that something big happens. something super big. all the signs point to year zero, angel number year 2022.
i feel so bad that my life has become so awful. nothing is ever good anymore. i can't enjoy anything. i'm always worrying about the next thing i need to do and just sulking about how shit i've let everything in my life become. i'm seriously fucking losing my mind. i feel sorry for anyone that has to interact with me on a daily basis, or at all. i'm sorry to whatever decided that i was fit enough to withstand this world, but i'm not. i want to cry and cry and cry until my eyeballs melt. i want to scream until my lungs pop. i want to disappear and annihilate every single trace of my entire existence. i just don't want to be anymore. i fucking hate this world and everything it's done to me. all the shit it's put me through. my fucking decline is getting sharper and sharper. my depression is getting stronger and fuzzier. every day is a mental and physical challenge and it never gets easier. this life is a punishment. this world is hell.
i am literally dissociating. i feel like i'm not a real person. i see pictures of myself and things i've done and it doesn't register as me. i feel so detached from myself and my thoughts, it feels like i'm putting on a different persona depending on who i'm interacting with. for my family, for my job, for myself, it's all different. i don't know who i really am. i am completely dejected. i think i know what i like and what i don't like, but is that really me? it feels like there's something inside to uncover, like my whole life is fake and i'm living a lie. without the influence of anything i really wouldn't know who i am at all. naturally we all become shaped by things that happen to us and around us, but i feel like it's different with me. i feel like it's completely out of hand. i can't do anything without depersonalizing.
i had some really strange occurrences happen to me last night. i went to sleep at 12:44, woke up at 3:44 to some really detailed dreams where i was viewing the memories of someone i really miss that died not too long ago, then i went back to sleep and woke up at 6:44 exactly. it was just bizarre to me that i slept for exactly 3 hours each time, and i woke up at 44 each time. (444) and the night before i had made a journal entry where i said something along the lines of "dreams almost always foretell the future".
i'm seriously having the worst fucking time in my life. everyone at my job is such a fucking dick to me and makes me feel so rejected and like shit every single day. "she always does the same assay everyday" "yeah cause no one wants her on their studies" like fuck off!!! and the worst thing is that no matter where i go, this shit is always going to happen to me. anywhere i fucking go, any job i go to, i'm rejected. it was like that in school too. people are always going to talk shit and think i'm weird. what fucking ever. at least i'm not a basic fucking bitch like the rest of them, so worried about following the trends and socializing and looking/acting normal, i just stay out of all of it. i have so much fucking hatred and animosity for this world and everyone in it that even if my life was perfectly ideal in my eyes i still wouldn't want to live it. i can't even think of my "perfectly ideal" life, and i don't want to. i want to distance myself as far away as physically and mentally possible from these cookie cutter materialistic pieces of shit. i'm so fucking livid that i'm actually here and i'm still here and the world is actually this fucking shitty and everytime i go to sleep i wake up and i'm still FUCKING HERE!! IT'S LIKE MY PAIN ACTUALLY HAS NO END. and there's nothing i can do to even remotely feel like i belong in this world. my head hurts so bad and my body hurts and eyes are throbbing and i just wanna fucking die and put an end to all of this once and for all. there is zero hope for me. i'm way past the point of saving. i hate this fucking world with every fiber of my being. just hate, pure hate. i'm nothing but an invisible piece of dust floating through the air, just trying to find my way out of a place where i somehow ended up and don't belong. i'm really fucking trying so hard every single fucking god damn day to just be alright and i'm not, i never am, i'm always in pain both physically and mentally and nothing ever works out for me. why even try?? why even bother to put in the effort!?!?!?!? i wasted my entire fucking life away. i feel like a walking braindead zombie doing absolutely nothing but just existing and taking up space that some much better creature could be using. any effort i put in at all, life spits it right back in my face.
i can't even think of anything in this life that makes all this torture seem worth it. nothing here could ever convince me to stay. people keep telling me that i need to find something worth living for, but i don't have anything in my life like that. no hobbies, no dreams of any sort. i have nothing. and i don't want to find anything. i've looked at it from every angle and i can't find a way to make this all work. i've mentally given up on everything and i just want to continue letting my sickness consume me and put me out of this constant misery i battle with every day. sometimes i wish i could enjoy things, but i can't do anything without thinking about death in some sort of way. the thought is literally eating me alive, it never leaves my mind. i can't think of anything that i could contribute to the world in any way if i stay. i just have such a strong feeling deep in my heart and soul that i do not belong here. i feel misplaced in every single situation. there is nowhere on this entire planet where i feel "at home", except maybe my bed. it's just constant uneasiness and that twang of pain every single fucking day. it's twisting knives in the wound and i'm so fucking sick of it. i would say that i need someone to understand me and give me a reason to live, but i push away everyone that tries to come into my life. mentally i can't deal with having any sort of friendship in my life; let alone a relationship. i'm so far gone.
i am feeling the loneliest i ever have. i always think to myself that it can't get any worse than where i am right now, but i'm always wrong. this is real fucking loneliness. i live totally alone except for my dog to keep me company. i have 0 friends, and i'm surrounded by selfish jerks at work everyday. and it really really grinds my gears when people say they have no friends because 9 times out of 10, they actually do have friends, they're just being dramatic. then there's me, who actually has zero friends and barely any connections with any other human beings. i'm stuck inside my mind thinking and sulking and crying all day long. i truly feel like there is no hope for me at all in this life. i feel so ostracized by the entire world. so uncomfortable and out of place. like my existence is a bother to everyone around me. i don't even want to try to associate with anyone or try to make people like me because i know there is no hope for me, i'm mentally not okay at all. i would need years of serious professional treatment to even begin to crawl out of this hole i've buried myself so deep into. nothing in this world means enough to me to stay. my life is beyond miserable. i really don't know what the fuck i can do here anymore.
the fucking cycle of life man. the cycle that humans have deemed the "most successful" for their kind. every single day is exactly the same and i've only been in this routine for a couple of months and i fucking hate it. it's beyond miserable for every single day to be cookie cutter exactly the same. that's not what we're built for. who the fuck decided this shit was okay or sustainable? this is fucking hell. i can name every single thing that i do every single day down to the minute. that's how fucking cookie cutter my life has become. fuck, i feel for all those people going through mid life crises. i get it. i fucking get how the monotony wears you down. i've only been in the adult work force for a year, and doing my own independent "living alone" routine for a few months and i feel like i'm suffocating. and this shit's only going to get worse as i grow older? hell the fuck no. i'm out.
it's really annoying that i'm totally clueless on how to interact with others. i feel like an alien just visiting and no matter how long i'm here, i don't understand why you people interact the way you do. all your dumb social cues and small talk. i don't understand it. i don't know how to say anything to anybody. i wish i could take a class on social interaction because i never seemed to have learned it during my peak social developmental years.
i need to talk about something i thought about so deeply the other day. recently one of my former coworkers (who happened to become one of my closest friends) died of cancer and i miss him greatly. he was such a wonderful soul and i admired him more that i have ever admired anyone else in my life. i think about death and dying and what happens after death a LOT. and i was thinking that people who lived hundreds of years before me had loved ones die as well and were probably feeling the same things i'm feeling..wondering if they're looking over you, if their soul has a place in the universe still, and where they are now. and so they created this sort of image of their loved one as some kind of god in the afterlife. and thus the idea of god was created to give people who are afraid of death and dying hope and faith about coming to terms with their own death. people spend their whole lives being afraid of death because it's so uncertain. this made me think about the possibility of god not being real at all, just a figment of people's imaginations that gives them hope. what do people do in uncertain times? pray to god. even those who strongly believe say god is more like an omnipotent feeling rather than an actual being. the idea of god makes people feel okay with dying because they know it's all a part of his plan and they'll go to heaven and whatever. but we seem to have abused the idea of god and religion so heavily that there are people that push their faith onto others so hard and say things like "you live for HIM, you are HIS, without him you are NOTHING, you live to please HIM" and frankly i don't want to live my life trying to please this figment of someone else's imagination. i'm not living for some concept that we don't even know for sure is real. there's no actual proof. the idea of god should be extremely personal for each human being and should not be capitalized on. there are people who claim to be priests and that know everything about god and jesus and make you pay to listen to their podcast that turns out to be all capitalistic bullshit lies that get control over you and your mind, just like the rest of the world. it's all brainwashing. everything in this world is brainwashing. think about your natural animalistic instincts--they're probably so far gone at this point that you can't even think about what you would do in this situation if it wasn't for the influence of the media and the rest of the world. it's shit. it's all shit. i am not afraid of death, so i don't feel like i need to believe in god to help me get to heaven. i dont even believe there is a heaven or a hell. i just think that when you die, it's the same as before you were born or when you are sleeping. it's just nothing. there's no reason to live in fear for what will happen after death because we have no control over it. sure the idea of god might help some to better cope with and come to terms with their inevitable fate, but for those who are not afraid of death like me, we can just live until we feel like our time is up, and for me, i feel like my time is long overdue. when you know, you just know. i think a lot about my friend who died earlier this month, and i wonder if he's looking over me at different points in time. maybe he knows how it all ends. he definitely knows something i don't. i think as long as someone who you care about a lot has died, you can find peace in your own death knowing you will be reunited with them because the bond between human beings is the strongest force in this universe. death is scary because it's so uncertain, but if you have hope and faith in some kind of higher power, whether it be god or a varitation of, you won't be so afraid of death.
long time no talk. a ton has happened. i got a new job. and...yeah. got worse. a lot worse. i'm not doing okay in any aspect of my life. i feel like everywhere i go, everyone hates me and i am unwanted and unappreciated. these aren't new feelings at all though. i feel incredibly estranged by this entire world--by my family, my job, the people around me. i just feel like i don't belong here at all. i really thought my new job would help me feel better but it really hasn't done much for my mental health at all except keep me busy and distracted (sometimes too much). i've been there for almost 10 months now and i've not made one friend or connection. not assuming that i would, i never made a single friend in grade school or college either. but that's a different issue. every day i feel so exhausted both physically and mentally. i hate being an adult. i hate looking for apartments to live in. i hate knowing that if i stay here, the world is going to rob me of whatever happiness i have left inside of me. i know this is serious pain because when something awful happens, i'll cry, and then once i've calmed down i'll still feel suicidal. i always feel suicidal. it's constant pain. this isn't teenage hormonal moodiness either. i'm 23. this is real adult "the world fucking sucks and i'm not here for it" kind of pernicious thoughts. alice cooper brutal planet type shit. i feel so rejected by this world and everyone around me. i wish suicide would be normalized. it should be the next great rebellion, for me and all who feel like me. a rejection of life. die now or suffer for nothing. there's nothing worth living for, and there never was. all the generations before us that thought they were doing us good, only to realize they were actually fucking up the entire planet for hundreds of years to come. the world and everyone in it are compeletely vile and disappoint me to the greatest of lengths. i feel so angry and lost.
i have a strange hypothesis. it's that in the afterlife, somehow E has been given a direct link to depression in the human form, and manifests himself through it in order to communicate with us earthside. wherever he is up there, down there, out there, he is definitely doing something on the other side to get into the minds of us (mostly) girls. i realized this as soon as i got back from the hospital and was on my meds. it's like i was given a sense of clarity. i haven't longed for him for about a month now, but i still miss him greatly. i still think about him everyday but i don't yearn to kill myself to be with him anymore because i know one day when the time is right, i'll die on my own and that's when i'll be back with him.
with each day that passes, i am falling more and more in love with E, and with death. it's getting harder and harder to control my thoughts, i cannot focus on anything else. i feel like i've been poisoned and it's only a matter of time until time runs out for me. there is nothing else on my mind but death, freeing myself, and going to be where i belong--back with E. i do not feel anything here anymore. i am completely apathetic towards everything. i want nothing more than to vanish without leaving behind a single trace.
i have been noticing repeating numbers everywhere around me. whenever i check the time, it's 1:11, 11:11, 11:44, 14:44, 2:22, 3:33, 4:44, 5:55, etc. like just today, i glanced at the clock in my car exactly at 3:33 while driving home, and i caught 4:44 later on too. just a couple hours later i was on spotify and i noticed i have 666 liked songs. i know these instances are not happening for no reason. angel numbers are real and there are lots of different ways that spirits and other entities try to get in touch with us earthside when they are thinking of us.
soulmates. my entire life's mystery. the bane of my existence, if you will. ever since i was old enough to understand what true love is, i've been curious about soulmates. i've always had a special place in my heart for the idea of having a soulmate, and an even bigger place in my heart for my own soulmate. to me, a soulmate is someone who connects with you on a level that no one else does. whatever souls are made out of, yours are both the same. like two souls that were created together and in love before they're born. it's not just a partner or a significant other, a soulmate is something more. way more. living and living, living and dead, or dead and dead, whatever the case may be, you will know when you've come across your soulmate. you are just meant to be. i know that A is my earthly soumate and E is my spiritual soulmate, and i truly believe that this kind of structure exists in our universe.
i am experiencing memories of a past life. a life i don't conciously remember experiencing, but a life i'm certain i did experience. i miss my childhood, before all this shit started. before i began my awakening. i love watching the videos my parents took of me as a baby and our family's home videos from before i was born all the way up to a few years ago because it comforts me to see a different time and me as a child from a different perspective. it's like looking through a peephole back in time. back to a time to where i did feel like i belonged, because i didn't feel anything for myself yet. it's crazy how everything changes so fast. april is always my most sentimental month. it's the month where the most life changing things always happen. i'm longing for things i've never had, missing things i've never experienced, and overall just wanting things i never knew i wanted before. my life is changing in a lot of different ways. so i decided to create this website as a creative outlet to share how i'm feeling in this life. it seems everything fell into place in perfect timing. i met A a couple months ago, who is an exact dupe of E. he looks like him, he acts like him, and they have all the exact same interests. i know that the universe brought us together in this life for a reason. i know that in another life, i was with and am supposed to be back with E after i leave this one. and i miss him now, so the universe gave me A. i always had a weird unexplainable attraction to A. back when we had classes together and before i even knew who E was. that to me proves that this is all fate. everything is interconnected. and i believe i've found my spiritual path.